dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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