I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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