U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
