I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
