What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
