Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
