I'm jealous of your bromance
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
