I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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