Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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