You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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