Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
