I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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