Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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