I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
How naked do you want me to be?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
