she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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