I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
COCAINE IS GR8
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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