Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
