his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I wish there were birth control emojis
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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