Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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