I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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