I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
