my vag is so smooth its legendary
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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