just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
