you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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