Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
