We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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