i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
