please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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