do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
