I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
