you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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