She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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