is your mom at the bar?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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