I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
