Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
