and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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