i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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