just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
