you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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