We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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