My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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