i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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