I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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