Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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