I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
