Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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