I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
