I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
