Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
