I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
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