Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
