I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
