i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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