I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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