At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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