Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
