but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
