some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
